I Win - anonymous

Before I joined my secondary school, I had a pretty clear vision of who I wanted to be. I had spent some time watching and studying Justin Bieber’s music video for As Long As You Love Me and was in awe. I had convinced myself that it was the whole vibe that I was really into and that I wanted to be Justin Bieber to be with the girl he dates in the video. But, in reality, I just fancied him.

Then, I arrive at secondary school and if my perception of that music video was swagger, sexy and suavity, I realised I could not have been further from these when I got there.

The first weeks were really shit because I wasn’t making friends, and the ones I had made were pretty odd. This became especially clear when, in my first week or so, every student in my year had gathered around the entrance to the sports hall to go to intelligence tests to determine what sets we should be in (also kind of messed up). Standing outside the sports hall, everybody seemed to know each other and had gathered in several large groups. I was the only person alone, roaming. The fact that I remember contemplating going up to a popular group of boys because I saw one of them had the same pizza iPhone case as me sums it all up entirely. It felt like I had absolutely nothing in common with anybody except a fucking phone case!

Looking back at situations like that, it would be pretty hard for a 13-year-old not to ask: why am I the only person who doesn’t have any friends? Especially when, as far as I am aware, I’m pretty cool. Looking back at those situations, it’s clear that I was just pretty special and being gay is a big part of that.

When you’re closeted, you think you know who you are and who you want to be, but that vision reflects none of your true self. Of course, no 13-year-old knows who they really are, but it’s a lot harder when you’re trying to fashion yourself exclusively for how you want others to perceive you. But I was never very good at straight acting at school. Everybody saw straight through it and so got automatically relegated down the social ladder. I completely failed my mission of who I wanted people to think I was!

But had I succeeded, I would have ultimately failed myself – which is something I can only say now, almost ten years later! I had more awkward, cringey and lame moments at school than the next person and most of it comes down to the fact that I was different to the people I went to school with. But to cut this long story short, they’re all boring and lame and all those cringy, awkward moments have meant that I am not.

So… I guess…I win!

Written by Anonymous